Self-Compassion: A More Realistic Parent Self-Care Practice

Are you a busy parent? A tired parent? A parent who yells more than they want to? A parent who wants to spend more quality time with their kids but can’t find the energy? 

Do you find yourself looking forward to the hour or two after your kids go to bed, only to find yourself doomscrolling and numb?  Have you noticed frustration and irritability pop up more frequently than they used to?  

If you answered yes to any of these questions, you are experiencing what professionals call “parenthood.” 

All jokes aside, parenting is the hardest job out there.  Parenthood demands that you find energy you don’t have for seemingly endless tasks, questions, caretaking, discipline, carpooling, cleaning, cuddling, teaching, and playing.  Parents suddenly feel the need to be experts on conflict resolution, social emotional learning, and knowing whether their kid’s stomach hurts because of anxiety or too much ice cream. Not to mention, there are no real days off even when sick, exhausted, or struggling with your own mental health. 

Parenting Has Actually Gotten Harder

Parenthood, especially in this day and age, is actually harder than it was in previous decades according to a survey conducted by Pew Research Center.  Just google “is parenting harder” and the first several pages of responses unanimously respond YES.  Parents are now faced with more opinions, advice, and fear-based media than ever.  They have less access to community and familial support and more pressure to be hands-on and emotionally engaged.  One might think that with more access to information than ever, it would be easier to find what parents need to best support their family.  What parents usually find is a vast amount of contradictory advice.  My head is spinning just writing this. 

While parents are, at least in my book, definitely superheroes, becoming a parent does not mean you suddenly have more energy, more patience, and the ability to be calm while your child screams because they want something they can’t have. In actuality, parents are still just humans! And just like all humans, parents both need and deserve to take care of themselves.  They need it to have a healthy amount of self-control, emotion regulation, and energy to parent and attend to other responsibilities.  They deserve it because they are humans just trying their best.

For most parents, self-care feels like just another thing they’re “supposed to do” but don’t actually have the time or energy for.  This is true when self-care is thought of as exercise, facials, going out to dinner, getting a massage, going golfing for the afternoon, or taking a long relaxing bath.  Those activities definitely count as self-care, but they are not always accessible and sometimes create more stress in the effort to carve out time in an already demanding day. 

Self-Compassion: A New Way to Practice Self-Care

    Movement, social engagement, sufficient sleep, healthy diet, and engaging in hobbies are all important for overall wellbeing.  However, hitting every single one is not always achievable for most parents.  This is where self-compassion can help.  In the early 2000s, Dr. Kristin Neff, a psychologist and researcher, studied the impact of self-compassion on mental health outcomes in adults.  Her team found that when compared to self-esteem, self-compassion far outperformed in every category of wellbeing.  Self-compassion is highly correlated with positive thinking, healthy body image, general life satisfaction, positive work-life balance, resiliency, ability to hold healthy boundaries, emotional intelligence, healthy relationships, and personal growth.  The best part is that self-compassion is a mindset shift, which can be practiced throughout the day. 

What is Self-Compassion?

Self-Compassion is a way to relate to oneself with compassion regardless of the situation or challenge.  It includes three main components: mindfulness, common humanity, and compassion, or self-kindness.  Mindfulness, in this regard, is the acceptance of feelings and the situation.  Common humanity refers to the universal experience of suffering; no one escapes painful emotional experiences regardless of who they are, how much money they have, or where they live.  Self-kindness is the ability to relate to yourself with kindness rather than judgement or criticism.  

Being a parent is a challenging and sometimes painful experience.  Parents can increase their wellbeing by being compassionate with themselves.  An indirect benefit is that children have a model for a healthy relationship with oneself and can learn to extend kindness towards themselves as they grow.  

Sometimes people think that self-compassion means being too permissive with oneself when they make mistakes.  They believe that if they are kind and accepting towards themselves, they will not change or grow.  The opposite is true.  Think about a coach or mentor who helped you significantly in your life.  Did they tell you how much you sucked and how disappointed they were in you for making mistakes?  More likely, they accepted you where you were at that moment and also believed in your ability to do better. 

How To Incorporate Self-Compassion:

    Step 1. Recognize that if self-compassion is new to you, which it is for most adults, it may feel awkward, uncomfortable, or even painful.  This is okay and normal.  Keep going. 

    Step 2. Begin to notice your inner critic.  When does it show up? What does it say? 

    Step 3. When your inner critic shows up, and you catch it, pause and respond how you might to a friend you are trying to support. If you had a loved one, coach or mentor that was especially helpful or compassionate, you can channel their voice.  Try to use mindfulness, common humanity, and self-kindness.  

   Example: “I am noticing that I am feeling frustrated and overwhelmed by my child right now. I have not been sleeping well and the transition into summer is difficult. Anyone in my shoes would feel this way.  I know I am trying my best and it is okay to mess up sometimes. I can always try again tomorrow.” 

Step 4. Create a self-compassionate mantra: Mindfulness + Common Humanity + Self-Kindness

    Example: “I am having a hard time right now.  Everyone makes mistakes/everyone experiences challenge/this is normal, I am not alone.  I deserve love and kindness (even when I make a mistake/especially during this challenging time/just like everyone else).” 

    Step 5. Use this mantra when you notice your inner critic showing up. 

    Step 6. Repeat! Notice how your inner voice changes.  Verbalize your mantra for your child when it is appropriate to model for them.