The Importance of Chores
Whenever the topic of chores comes up, it seems many families are unsure if they should be incorporating them or not. Do you make or ask your kids to do them? Should kids be paid for doing chores or should they simply be expected to contribute to the household? What age is appropriate for kids to start doing chores? And which chores make sense to have a child do? In addition to uncertainty, parents often fear their children will revolt against any requests to help out around the house.
Chores, however, are daily opportunities for children to build a sense of capability and responsibility. Research has shown that children who regularly partake in chores have improved executive functioning and feel a greater sense of familial connection, as well as increased confidence and better prosocial skills. Just like all important lessons, there will be challenges when implementing chores; however, the learning and growth achieved in the process are worth it.
Teaching Chores: 6 years old & under
You may have noticed that your younger children are much more willing to help out around the house than their older siblings. Young children are eager to please their parents and are excited about doing things that mom/dad/grandma are doing. This creates a great environment for teaching responsibility through chores. Children under six can gain an immense sense of personal pride by completing tasks and are highly motivated by parental encouragement of effort and praise. It makes sense to start teaching chores as early as 2 years old. For children under 5 years old, it is important to remember that they will need both guidance and supervision to complete chores.
Children learn through modeling - by watching how their parents or caregivers behave and then imitating that behavior. Because of this, it is best to start teaching children how to participate in household maintenance by showing them how to do simple tasks and completing these tasks together. The connection they gain from these teaching moments with a loving adult is motivating and as they increase their hand-eye coordination, they gain a sense of capability from being able to do tasks that were previously too difficult for them. Keep in mind that most chores will not be done perfectly but perfection is not the purpose of teaching chores. Focus on acknowledging your child's effort and the ways it helps your family.
A sense of capability is incredibly important because it is the key to healthy independence later in life. A child must feel they are capable of handling life’s challenges (and that an adult is available for support when needed) in order to feel ready to try new things, work through challenges at school or in extracurricular activities, tolerate frustration, and persist through failure. When children feel capable, they are more motivated to increase their own responsibility and rely on parents to do things for them less frequently. A child that feels incapable or inadequate will have a low frustration tolerance, be averse to challenge, and may refuse to do things for themselves that they are capable of doing.
Teaching Chores: 7 - 12 years old
As children grow older, they naturally begin to individuate. Individuation is the process in which children separate from their parents and grow into their own person. Individuation can feel like disobedience in elementary years and rebellion in the teen years, but it is an important process for creating a healthy adult. Parents can respond to this increase in desire for more independence and responsibility, by providing developmentally appropriate opportunities for increased independence and responsibility. Children will require less (or zero) supervision for chores and will find satisfaction in “being their own boss.” Choices are a great tool to respond to this desire. Parents can create chore charts, job wheels, games, or any other tools to set their child up for success and offer choices of chores.
Should chores be paid?
Finally, we get to the question of should children be paid to do chores? The answer is yes and no. Chores that contribute to family functioning on a regular basis provide kids with an opportunity to have a positive impact on the family and teaches kids the work involved with keeping a house running. Ideally, you want your child to complete these chores because of the intrinsic reward of helping others, feeling capable, and being responsible. Paying your child for basic chores can create a need for an external reward.
On the other hand, providing your children with an appropriate amount of money for doing larger and nonvital jobs can help them learn how to budget, improve impulse control, and understand the cost of desirable items. Allowances and opportunities to earn money in the house can foster money management skills when parents are available and motivated to kindly teach and guide their children. Some non-daily chores can also be set up in a way such that they are opportunities to earn privileges. For example, if your child wants new art supplies, giving them the task of cleaning out and throwing away old art supplies can be a way to teach the skill of cleaning/organizing and gratitude while allowing them to “earn” the new supplies. Whatever chore structure parents choose, it is important to remember that every child is unique and you may need to adjust your strategies as they age.
General Tips:
Use teaching as an opportunity to connect and engage playfully with your child. Children are more likely to cooperate when they feel a strong connection to their parent or other caregiver.
Create agreements beforehand. Talk about what expectations you have, ideas that your child has, and what a reasonable consequence or solution (NOT punishment) can be if the agreement is not adhered to by either party. This tool is especially effective with teens, who respond especially poorly to “reminders.”
Create visual charts for elementary school aged children and children with ADHD, ASD, or other neurodivergence. Encourage your child’s participation in creating the chart and let them decorate it.
Offer choices. No one wants to be told what to do all the time and children have very little control over most areas in their lives. Providing choices gives kids an opportunity for developmentally appropriate control and supports the critical thinking involved in task completion and time management.
Additional Resources
Here is a list of appropriate chores by age. You may be surprised to find what your child can actually handle.
You can find more information about teaching responsibility here.
You can find more information on family agreements here and here.
Here is a scientific article on chores and cognition you may find interesting.
You can find out more about the difference between consequences and punishment here.
Here is an article that goes more in depth on teaching money management through a developmental lens.