What to Do When Your Kid Keeps Ignoring You: Building Cooperation Through Connection

Posted: January 15, 2026

Getting children to listen is a challenge that every parent or caregiver faces. Requests become reminders, reminders turn into nagging, and oftentimes nagging escalates to yelling. It’s an experience that neither child nor parent enjoy, yet it seems to occur regularly for many families. Kids, understandably, don’t want to be told what to do “all the time,” and parents’ feelings of exasperation are valid when they find themselves in frequent power struggles with their children. So how do you change this dysfunctional cycle without someone giving in or giving up? The key lies in the parent-child relationship and is all about connection.

A Recipe for a Strong Connection

The foundation of a strong and healthy parent-child relationship is equal parts love and firmness expressed through active listening, empathy, limit setting, presence, and genuine interest in the child’s world. In this blog, I am going to focus on love and communicating acceptance and interest through play.

First, it is important to note children are incredibly observant, especially of their parents’ or caregivers' emotional or regulatory states, but do not have the life experience or cognitive development to draw accurate conclusions regarding the reasoning behind mom or dad’s mood. What does this mean in regards to connection? It means parental self-care is necessary if you want to show up regulated and ready to engage with your child, whether to play, teach, or set a boundary. Before getting into skills, check in with yourself - do you need a break? Probably. Maybe a hot tea? Couldn’t hurt. If you want your child to learn to show up as their best self at home, model the skills needed to do so.

Let’s Talk Skills

Active Listening

It’s not just listening! Active listening is when one person demonstrates to another that they have their full attention, acceptance, and understanding. So how can parents be active listeners?

1. Use body language - get down on your child’s level and face them, nod and use facial expressions to show you are paying attention.

2. Remove distractions - put your phone away, save thoughts about dinner or how you want to respond for later, and let other family members know that your attention is currently unavailable.

3. Validate your child - remember, acceptance is not the same as agreeing. You can validate your child’s point of view without agreeing or disagreeing and if you struggle with that, nonverbals can go a long way here. You don’t always have to know the right thing to say. In active listening, the goal is to do your best to understand both the facts and emotional content being communicated.

Using active listening in play often looks like paying careful attention to what your child is showing you through their play. Parents can use the tool Tracking (aka saying out loud what your child is doing) to demonstrate their child has their full attention.

“That doll is pushing the other one to show she is angry.”
“You like to paint with that brush best. You know what you like.”
“You chose to give me another chance because you want this game to feel fair.”

Empathy

Even if you think your child is overreacting, in order to build a sense of cooperation, they must feel heard, accepted, and validated. Avoid questions, which can come across as judgmental (remember kids are great at noticing it, and not always understanding it correctly). Some phrases to add to your toolkit are:

“It makes a lot of sense that you would feel that way.”
“I would feel that way too if that happened to me.”
“It is really hard to stay calm when someone hurts your feelings.”
“You know I actually felt that way too when I was your age. It is so normal.”
“It’s normal to feel mad when you can’t have something you really want.”

Labeling emotions in play is how adults can demonstrate understanding and acceptance of their child’s feelings. Note that fixing, solving, or rescuing your child from their feelings communicates the belief that you don’t think they can handle their feelings on their own. Trying to convince your child to feel differently often results in feelings of invalidation or minimization.

“Your drawing is not going how you want and that is frustrating.”
“The sister doll is sad. She feels hurt by that doll.”
“In this drawing, the mom and dad are really close to the baby. They feel a lot of love for each other.”

Presence

Presence can be used to further communicate openness, acceptance, and interest. When a parent is regulated, they have an opportunity to teach their child that “if you find yourself in a situation where you are overwhelmed and out of control, I will help you, and together we’ll get you back to calm” when they join their child in their experience (Siegel & Bryson, 2020, The Power of Showing Up). When your child is regulated, presence tells them that you care - that what is important to them is important to you. There are several important components to pay attention to when considering presence:

Tone of voice - gentle, quiet, neutral tones are most effective
Body language - open arms, getting down on your child’s level, offering calming touch, nodding, and moving slowly
Eye contact

In play, you can join your child on the ground or table. Imitate their actions. Keep your body language relaxed and let your nose follow your toes to demonstrate your attentiveness and openness to their world. Following your child’s lead in play communicates to them that you trust them and are interested in what they have to show you.

Genuine Interest

Of all of the skills listed above, genuine interest seems the easiest, but can actually be pretty difficult. Many parents struggle to play pretend or imaginative games with their children. Adults often prefer structured games with clear expectations; the thought of pretending can feel awkward and weird. It is the thought that counts that really matters here. If you are genuinely trying to be curious and open to your child’s play and interests, it does not matter if you get it wrong. Most times, your child will happily correct you.

Having adults work hard to be a part of their world is an incredibly meaningful experience for children that strengthens their connection. The act of engaging in play at their level and at their pace is the adult equivalent of sitting down face to face to hear about a loved one’s day. Here are some strategies you can use to engage authentically with your child in play:

Use “I wonder” statements - saying “I wonder why that doll is moving all the furniture there” removes the demand of a direct question but communicates curiosity.
Ask your child to teach you how to play their favorite game, do their favorite craft, or play a sport, even if you already know how! Not only does this communicate interest, but it also provides your child with an opportunity to demonstrate their mastery and capability.
Use the whisper method - when feeling uncertain of what to do next, you can whisper “what should my character do next?” or “what do you think I should do next?” Whispering reduces the demand on your child - they may not answer and that is okay - but opens the door for them to direct you in how they want you to engage with them.

While these skills will look different in each person’s home, the evidence is clear that for all children, feeling connected will increase their willingness to cooperate. When parents are willing to be a part of their child’s world, listen to their thoughts, opinions and feelings, and take time from their day to play, children will reciprocate to the best of their ability.