Power Struggles & Holding Your Ground: A Guide for Parents

Holiday times and gift-giving events can be challenging for both children and parents. The anticipation of special moments—like the first night of Hanukkah, Christmas Eve, or other significant celebrations—often fills children with excitement and fixed expectations. But what happens when those expectations aren’t met? That’s when power struggles arise.

While power struggles can occur at any time of the year, the holiday season tends to intensify them within family dynamics. Understanding how to navigate these moments is crucial for fostering healthy relationships with our children.

Why Power Struggles Happen

Parent-child relationships often mirror those in the workplace, with one party holding authority. As parents, we inherently have more power, but it’s essential to wield that authority thoughtfully. The goal is not only to guide children but to build enduring respect and connection as they grow into adulthood.

To do so, parents need tools to minimize conflict while maintaining clear boundaries. Below, we explore strategies to help parents hold their ground without damaging the parent-child relationship.

The ACT Method for Conflict Resolution

One effective approach for managing power struggles is the ACT Limit Setting method developed by Dr. Gary Landreth, a pioneer in Child-Centered Play Therapy. This three-step method helps parents communicate with their children in a way that is both firm and empathetic.

Step 1: Acknowledge the Feeling

Children need to feel heard and understood, especially during moments of frustration. Use reflective listening to acknowledge their emotions.

• Example: “I know you really want ice cream right now. You love ice cream.”

Using tools like The Feelings Wheel can help parents find language to validate their child’s emotions.

Step 2: Communicate the Limit

Set boundaries clearly and neutrally. Avoid blame, shaming, or language that might trigger defensiveness.

• Example: “I am not for hitting.”

This approach minimizes confusion and keeps the interaction focused on the behavior rather than the child.

Step 3: Target the Alternatives

Once you’ve acknowledged the feeling and communicated the limit, provide reasonable choices. Limit options to 2-3 to avoid overwhelming your child. Make sure the options you provide are ones you're comfortable with giving - not ultimatums. We want to avoid undoing the choice by making it unfairly stacked to your own choice.

• Examples:
  • “You can punch this pillow or tear up this paper.”
  • “You can set the table or get the salad out.”

Framing choices as statements rather than questions can also help. For instance, instead of saying, “Would you like to do ____ or ____?” say, “You can choose to ____ or ____.”

Handling Pushback: Navigating Resistance

Even with the best intentions, children may resist limits or choices. Here are some strategies to maintain your ground:

• Take a few deep breaths and remind yourself this is not an emergency.
• “If you choose to keep throwing things on the floor, you are choosing to stop working on crafts and play with regular toys instead. Which do you choose?”
• “If you choose to keep whining about cookies now, you choose to not have cookies tomorrow. Which do you choose?”

These statements clarify the consequences of behavior while empowering your child to make their own decisions.

Consistency Is Key

Parenting is challenging, especially when strategies don’t produce immediate results. Children often test boundaries, and what works today may not work tomorrow. However, staying consistent and committed to healthy communication practices will yield long-term benefits.

Remember: engaging with your children in respectful and empathetic ways is never a failure.

Building Mutual Respect

Children thrive in environments where boundaries, respect, and clear expectations coexist. By respecting their feelings and offering thoughtful choices, parents can nurture relationships that are both strong and enduring.

The next time you find yourself in a power struggle, remember the ACT method and the importance of persistence. By staying firm yet empathetic, you’re not just resolving today’s conflict—you’re teaching your child lifelong skills for communication, problem-solving, and respect.

Navigating power struggles with your child can be challenging, especially during high-stress times like the holidays. But with tools like the ACT method and a focus on consistency, you can turn these moments into opportunities for growth and connection. If you need more help, reach out to us today for parent coaching strategies!