Regression: Why is this Behavior Back?

Often, parents feel stressed, confused, and frustrated when their children start exhibiting regression.  It felt so good to see progress in your child toward more independence, and now these painfully inconvenient behaviors that you thought were long gone have returned. For just a second, let’s sit with the stress, the frustration, the urgency, and pause. Let’s be curious about regression, why it happens, what our children are trying to tell us, and what they really need in these moments. 

Wait, what’s regression?

Regression is the term for what’s happening when your child can put on their shoes by themselves one day, but the next day they seem completely unable to do it. Or maybe they were speaking completely normally in 3-5 word sentences but suddenly they’re back to baby talk. Regression is highly common in children, especially in toddlers. 

Children’s learning and new skill development isn’t often linear even when they aren’t experiencing regression. When a child is learning a new skill, some days are good for learning and some days aren’t as good. Adults and older children learn more linearly so this may seem completely strange to us, but rest assured that learning and skill acquisition is so much more exploratory when children are young. 

What does regression look like?

Here are some signs of regression:

• Tantrums and mood swings

• Difficulty sleeping, requesting more comfort prior to sleep

• Difficulty or refusal to eat

• Reverting to baby talk or babbling 

• Loss of vocabulary

• Bathroom accidents

• Clinginess and dependence, anxiety upon separation

• Forgetting previously learned skills 

• Increased internalizing like shyness, depression, withdrawing

• Decreased interest in socializing

• Reverting to toys for developmentally younger children or fixating on one toy

What triggers regression to happen?

Regression is most frequently caused by stress. When we think about stress in this context, we have to consider safety. A child feels the most safe near to caregivers and attachment figures, but sometimes events, environments, or even the acquisition of new skills creates more space between a child and their attachment figure. For instance, a child starting school now has to leave the safety provided by their parents or caregivers and be separated from them for 6-8 hours every day. That’s a huge stressor for a child that’s not used to that level of separation. 

Examples of Situations That Can Trigger Regression

• Changes in routine Novelty such as a new house, new school, new nanny, etc.

• Sickness

• Learning a new developmental milestone, such as walking

• Life changes - death, divorce, new sibling, etc.

Stress hormones are frequently the reason that children experiencing regression have the behaviors that they do. Adrenaline and cortisol can both lead to increased anxiety, reactivity, aggression, and fear in children, which are frequently the mediators of behaviors like clinginess, bathroom accidents, baby talk, and tantrums. The object of these behaviors is to increase the proximity of a caregiver in order to reduce fear and stress caused by a perceived threat. 

So, what do I do?

Since we know the underlying need and root cause of these behaviors is the desire for safety, we provide safety. What does this look like?

Stay as grounded and regulated as you can in moments where your child demonstrates regressive behaviors or attitudes. 

In the moment:

1. Remind yourself of your child’s reason for regressing; they are seeking safety and connection with you, and their behaviors are not because they are a “bad kid” or that they are trying to upset you. 

2. Take a deep breath and tell yourself that your child’s dysregulation is not your own. You are going to show your child that you are capable of handling their stress. You are going to be a container for the chaos your child is feeling.

3. Sit with your child in their discomfort and stress. Take deep, slow breaths that your child can see. Provide comfort - this could look different depending on your child. Some children react well to being told “I’m here with you. I love you and I’ll stay with you while you’re feeling this way.” Some children can’t handle verbal comfort but instead prefer touch while they are struggling, like back rubs or being held.

4. If your child is struggling with a task they used to be able to do, frame it as part of the learning process: “You are learning so much right now, and when we are learning sometimes things feel extra hard and we can’t always do them. It’s okay that you need my help right now. We can have a race to your backpack after we get your shoes on together!”

Big picture:

1. Identify stressors. Can we determine what issues are behind the regression? New school, divorce, tension between family members, etc. Talk to your child about the stressor and problem solve ways to cope with it or adjust it to be less distressing. Children often believe events and distressing challenges are their own fault even if it is logically impossible, and talking to your child about events and challenges can help alleviate this confusion and reduce distress. 

2. Minimize additional stressors; a period of regression may not be the best time to try out a new after school activity or change your work schedule. 

3. Make sure routines in your child’s life are as consistent as possible. Create a visual schedule that is predictable and accessible. Talk through the format of the next day at dinner time or bedtime. 

4. If the regression goes on for longer than 2-3 weeks and there is no ongoing stressor you can identify, talk to your pediatrician to make sure there aren’t any medical reasons for the regression.  

5. Increase connection activities, co-regulation, family time, and play. This can raise the baseline of safety and comfort for your child and reduce the safety seeking behaviors. Play also allows you to understand more of your child’s inner world and encourages them to solve problems through exploration. 

6. Use humor, playfulness, and connection, not shame when regression shows up. 

7. Employ visuals for communication if your child is experiencing speech regression. Talk to your child about how you notice they have trouble communicating sometimes (not shaming them, but noticing it with compassion), and how you’re wondering if using special gestures or pictures would help. Here is an example of a simple communication board.

8. Celebrate progress! When your child is able to engage in skills they struggled with, reflect their hard work, effort, and resilience. Provide positive reinforcement and call out when you see them feeling proud of themselves. 

9. Get support. Regression can be highly stressful for parents and it’s impossible to regulate a child when you yourself are dysregulated. Seek out support from friends, family, or your own therapy.