Screen Time: The 21st Century Beast of Parenting
Screens and screen time are one of the largest concerns I see parents are aware of, but feel lost in how to adjust or change. Many caregivers express wanting deeply to reduce screen time, or have better limits on which apps and games their children access, but don’t know where to start, or fear the emotional response that will undoubtedly occur when they communicate new expectations to their child. If this is you, here is some more information to solidify why this is important, which will help you hold firmer (but still warm and understanding) boundaries when you shift screen time rules within your home + some tips on how and what to reduce or change.
Does your child struggle with any of the following? These symptoms are all linked to screen usage.
Difficulty falling asleep
Difficulty having restful sleep
Difficulties with regulation, impatience, and self control
Negative emotionality
Anxiety and Depression symptoms and development later in life
Loneliness
Aggressive or violent behaviors
Difficulty concentrating, being frequently distracted, attention issues
Diminished executive control
Language delays and lower cognitive function
Of course not every child who is struggling with these concerns is struggling due to screens only, but it can be helpful to set limits even if just to rule out the ways screen usage is impacting your child’s brain. Some children may struggle more with screen addiction due to biological and environmental factors.
For example, the younger a child is when they start watching Youtube, the higher usage frequency they are expected to have, and the more emotional and behavioral issues they are likely to have. Children who already struggle with anxiety and impulse control are more likely to use Youtube frequently than children who don’t. Children are also uniquely vulnerable to screen addiction because their self-regulation systems are still developing. They don’t have the capacity to limit themselves; we have to help support them by building boundaries and making space for how hard it is for them to step away when they “need” to finish this level, watch one more short, or stay up one more hour to see how this show ends.
Screens aren’t going away, and I don’t expect parents to put perfect limits on them. Here are my biggest concerns and ways we can combat them.
Short Form Content
Why it matters: Content such as Youtube Shorts, Instagram Reels, or Tiktok in which an algorithm creates an endless stream of preferred content can be very harmful for children. Research has shown that this kind of content is linked with difficulty concentrating, being frequently distracted, and increased negative emotions. Because Youtube is the most widely used application among children, it’s important that we set limits on frequency of usage and content watched.
Even if your child has already used Youtube, it is not too late to make changes that can help them with these concerns in the future. Understanding the long term and short term effects helps us build a foundation for our goal and purpose in setting boundaries. This will make it easier to hold the boundaries when your child pushes back or expresses emotion in response to them.
By later childhood and adolescence, many of my child clients are aware that screens are damaging to them, but they don’t know how to stop either. As caregivers and adults in their lives, we have to be the sturdy leaders to help set boundaries and guide them when they aren’t developmentally capable.
What Can We Do? Don’t allow apps like Youtube, Instagram, or Tiktok for young children to be downloaded on their devices. If your child wants to watch videos on Youtube, have them watch on the TV, and ensure they are longer form content, not shorts/reels. Turn auto-play off, so video selection is not mindless. Discuss with your child the reasoning behind this; talk about how seeing content like this makes you feel in your body and how even if they are upset with you, you know that this will help them in the long run and you will be here to hold their feelings while holding the boundary.
Inappropriate Content
Why This is Concerning: Because of the widespread access that children have to the internet, they are likely to already have seen inappropriate content such as pornography by the age of 9. This unintentional exposure can increase emotional and behavioral issues, relationship problems, isolation, and confusion about sex and intimacy. There are also links between early porn viewing and later risky sexual behaviors.
What Can We Do? Enable parental controls and safe search on all devices. Have a conversation with your child about the kind of content they might accidentally find or even hear about from a friend and make it known that they can come to you if this happens. Normalize all the feelings they might experience without shame (confusion, interest, curiosity, etc.). Here’s what you can say: “If you see something weird, scary, or sexual online, you won’t be in trouble. Come tell me and we’ll handle it together.”
Screens at Bedtime
Why This is Concerning: Sleep is one of the most important aspects of life for emotion regulation, cognitive function, and children’s brain development. If your child goes just one night not sleeping well, I’m sure you’ve seen the impacts on their emotional state and ability to make it through the day. Blue light from screens disrupts sleep patterns and suppresses melatonin release in the brain, making it harder for children to fall asleep at night. It can also affect sleep quality, which is important for brains to store memories and information learned during the day.
What Can We Do? Don’t allow screens in bedrooms, and have devices automatically turn off an hour before bedtime. Have chargers in a space outside bedrooms and have your child put their device on the charger when it’s time. Create a bedtime routine that prioritizes slowing down, reading books, getting cozy, etc.
Here is a quick list of the tips we’ve talked about today, and a few extras to add to your family’s routines if you’re feeling motivated and empowered:
Don’t allow short form content apps like YouTube, Instagram, or Tiktok to be downloaded or accessible on your child’s devices.
Use the TV to view content together on a larger screen and discuss what you see
Turn off autoplay for any media that allows it to encourage empowered decision making and intentionality
Utilize parental controls and safe search on all devices.
Have a conversation with your child about the kinds of content they might find on the internet and normalize talking about it with you
Encourage charging devices in a shared space and don’t allow screens in bedrooms
Turn devices off an hour before bedtime
Even more tips…
Preview programs, games, and apps before letting your child download or view them.
Encourage games that center problem solving more than just swiping or staring. Play games with your child to make it a connecting and interactive experience.
Educate your child about commercials, ads, and how people can make money from people viewing their content
Have “unplugged” and unstructured time that doesn’t involve screens
Lead by example - try reducing your own screen time and charge your phone in a shared space rather than your bedroom.
Allow your child to be bored! Try to resist giving them a screen when they express frustration with not knowing what to do. Let them sit in the feeling and then problem solve together: “Hmm, I wonder what we could make/do/play.”
What About the Meltdown?
If your child is already deep into screens and Youtube, know that there will be protest to changes. That doesn’t mean the boundary isn’t worth holding.
Here’s what to do:
Validate their feelings + hold the limit.
“We still get to watch TV/Youtube, we’re just going to watch it together on the TV. I know that’s different than how it was and it’s okay to be mad at me.”
“I know you wish you could watch shorts, and it feels unfair that you don’t get to anymore. My job is to help take care of your brain, and I learned new information on how to take care of you even better. That means we aren’t watching shorts anymore. I know you’re frustrated and I’ll sit with you until you’re ready to talk about it.”
Use timers and count-downs to help with transitions away from media, and praise your child when they follow limits, even if it’s after some push-back.
“In five minutes when this show is over I trust that you’ll turn the TV off and put the remote away.”
Allow them to pick out what they want to watch tomorrow and write it on a note on the fridge.
“You really wish you could watch another show right now, but TV time is over. Let’s write down what you want to watch first tomorrow.”