Living with a Teenager: The Do's and Don’ts
If you’re wondering how you are going to live with the moody, independent teenager who seems to have replaced your sweet, snuggly kid without losing your mind, you are not alone. Adolescence can feel like a shocking change no matter how prepared you and your kid are. If it feels like everything is changing, it’s because things are! Change is uncomfortable and challenging for everyone, but changes in adolescence are what create healthy adults. The good news is this stage does not last forever and there are strategies you can use to support your teen’s healthy development without creating more of a divide. Here are the dos and don’ts of parenting teenagers.
Familiarize Yourself with Teenage Development
Starting in puberty, the brain undergoes a massive reorganization process. This sets the stage for creative thinking, identity development, adaptability, and encouragement to find their purpose. However, it also results in decreased impulse control and an increase in sensation-seeking and risk-taking behaviors. This period is also marked by the departure from a focus on family to peer relationships. Setting your teen and your family up for success during this time means understanding exactly what your teen is going through and being open to adjusting your approach to parenting.
Understand Your Role
Because of the changes in cognition and brain development in the teenage years, your role changes. Up until age 12, the goal of most behavior is gaining parental love and attention. During the teenage years, peer acceptance becomes the most important goal. The teenage brain literally equates peer belonging to survival, which is why you may have found that your teen is a lot less interested in spending time with family. This isn’t a sign that they are going to separate forever. It is a survival behavior and one in which we want teens to feel accepted for who they are and free to find their place in the world. While parents are no longer the priority, having adults in their lives who are supportive, encouraging, and safe can make all the difference. During this time, parents can shift closer to being a cheerleader and safe space and further from their caretaking role.
It is developmentally important for your teen to establish themselves separate from parents. When parents react to this natural separation by trying to control their teenager, they often end up frustrated and exhausted. Teens want to figure things out for themselves, but need a supportive adult who cares about them to listen, guide when necessary, and encourage them.
Decide How You Want to Respond to Misbehavior and Mistakes
Just like in early childhood, it is important to be clear about what behavior is and is not acceptable in your home. However, to respect your teen’s natural individuation, you can invite them to be a bigger part of the disciplinary process. Be open to hearing their point of view and respect it like you would a colleague. You can still be firm with what is most important to you (think safety and major values), but you may need to allow your teen more room to choose. Remember, their brain is going through massive changes in the part that controls decision making and impulse control. They are going to make mistakes. A teen who fears harsh punishment and judgment is more likely to lie or sneak around.
Dos and Don’ts
DO show up! Your presence is still important and meaningful
DO engage with curiosity and an open-mind. This encourages the development of healthy independent critical thinking skills.
DON’T ask too many questions, especially when your teen is overwhelmed. Instead let them know you are there for them when they are ready to talk.
DON’T try to control their behavior. Nothing encourages rebellion, resistance, and disrespect like micromanagement.
DO set boundaries intended to keep everyone safe. Communicate boundaries kindly, with explanation for your reasoning, and be consistent with your implementation.
DO use solution-focused discipline and collaborative conversations to determine consequences. Remember, the goal of discipline is to teach, not control.
DON’T expect your teen to behave in ways that you yourself are not. Adolescence is the time when children start to see their parents as fallible humans, and inconsistency between what you expect from them and are able to do yourself will elicit feelings of hypocrisy.
DO establish a word or phrase when either of you need space to cool down. Effective communication is not possible when parties are heated.
DON’T get bogged down in the bad.
DO lean on your support system. Parenting was never meant to be done alone!! Engaging with your supports is crucial for parent self-care and growth. Being open with your challenges opens the door to new ideas.
DO ask for help when you need it. There is no shame in recognizing when you need additional support. This act of bravery is one of the best things you can do for yourself and your family.
Most importantly, remember that you are human!! You will make mistakes along your parenting journey and that is okay. Give yourself the same grace you give others and extend this to your teen too. Everyone is learning and growing together, and if you want more understanding of your child’s brain and development at this stage, check out Dan Seigel’s Brainstorm. You got this!