Supporting Your Child through Back to School Season
Well folks, here we are again: the start of another school year. With summer vacations, activities and camps, and unstructured downtime coming to a close, it’s unsurprising that kids are groaning at the concept of returning to school. For any transition we can expect an increase in emotional dysregulation, a return to behaviors we thought were extinguished, increased anxiety and worries, and more power struggles as children’s nervous systems seek routine, safety, and warm boundaries held by trusted caregivers. For the transition back to school, there may also be feelings of dread, fear of separation, perfectionism toward academics, and worries about social relationships.
Here are some ways we can ease the transition back to school and even increase positive feelings toward the school year.
Reintroduce Routines Gradually and Early. It will be difficult for your child to jump back into waking up and immediately being asked to complete 20 getting-ready tasks, especially if this summer was less routine-driven. Try reintroducing your morning routine one or two weeks before school starts, gradually changing bedtimes and waketimes by 15 minute increments until they match when you’ll need your child to wake up during the school year. If this is your child’s first year of school or if they generally need more support getting ready, it can be a good idea to create a visual to-do list for getting ready. You can even put it in a plastic frame that your child can write on every day with a dry erase marker to cross off tasks. Example checklist:
Celebrate Back to School Season. Create positive associations with going back to school through preparation activities and connecting experiences. Create joy and connection through finding a first day of school outfit. You could have a fashion show of clothes your child already has, go thrifting, or visit their favorite store to build excitement around the transition back.
When you pick up school supplies, allow your child as much choice as possible. Involving your child in decision making helps them feel more in control, can build positive associations with school (maybe being really excited to use their new cat composition book for reading and writing), and builds self esteem. If they feel like you trust them to make decisions, they will feel trustworthy and confident in their own ability to choose.Make space for emotions. Your child may feel a whole array of emotions about going back to school: excited, happy, sad, anxious, stressed, afraid, angry - the list goes on. Allow these feelings to exist without judgement and don’t jump straight to problem solving. Get curious when your child shares emotions with you. Reflect their affect and tone with 10% more regulation than they have. Get down on their level and use nonverbal cues while they share. Remind them that you are there with them while they are feeling (insert feeling here). Take deep breaths while you listen and keep yourself grounded.
Sometimes our children’s emotions begin to ebb into our own emotions and we might feel dysregulated by what’s coming up for them - try to notice when this starts to happen and put a hand on your chest, reminding yourself that you are safe and able to provide support to your child right now. Model the regulation you want to see in your child.Help Set Expectations. Children often feel dysregulated because even when they have done something before, there is so much that feels new. To them, newness and uncertainty feels like a danger, and increases the possibility they become overwhelmed. Help your child understand what school will be like, how drop off and pick up will be, and even what they will eat for lunch. For children who haven’t been to school before, you can help them understand by reading books about the first day of school. We recommend:
If your child’s school offers an open house or a meet-the-teacher day, this can be a really good opportunity to allow your child to explore the space and feel what it may be like to attend school. Build excitement around days like this and connect with your child as you bring them to these events, demonstrating warm affect and co-regulation if they express nervousness, fear, or sadness. Make space for them to feel these feelings and when they are regulated again, you can help them problem solve ways they can feel more secure about school: “I noticed that you felt scared about eating lunch at school this year; I wonder what we could do to make it feel less scary.” Try to get your child to assist in problem solving rather than coming up with solutions yourself.
Transitional Objects. Kids may struggle with separating from you even if they were able to do it just fine before. You can help your child feel more connected to you throughout the day by giving them a small token or item that brings them a sense of security and telling them that when they miss you, they can hold that item and remember how much you love them and that you’ll see them in a few hours at pickup. You can also write them a little note to leave in their lunch to remind them midday that you love them and will see them soon. There are also many books that touch on the concept of separation if that is a high stressor for your child.
Car Kit. By the time your child is getting back into your car at pickup or off the bus at the stop, they may be exhausted, hungry, and sick of being told what to do. They may have been white-knuckling it through the day, ready to explode when they get home and are told they can’t have cookies for snack. Preparing for this and creating a ritual of a soft landing after school can help both kids and parents reset. Bring a snack with you for pickup and play some soft music they like in the car. Have fidgets or preferred toys (no electronics though!) in the back seat for easy access. Greet them with warmth and excitement and the reminder that you are so happy to see them after being apart all day.