When Parenting Feels Heavy; The Phases No One Talks About
Parenting isn’t always full of love and patience.
Some days, you feel deeply connected to your child—other days, you just want space. And sometimes, you don’t even like being around them. It may sound harsh, but it's more common than you think. You’re not alone.
Stress, exhaustion, and overwhelm can make emotional connection feel impossible. Guilt creeps in, and you wonder: Am I a bad parent for feeling this way? The answer is no. Every parent goes through this. The key is recognizing it and finding ways to reconnect.
Why Do We Feel Disconnected?
Like any relationship, parenting has ups and downs. Common triggers for disconnection include:
Chronic stress – Juggling work, finances, and life drains emotional energy.
Sleep deprivation – Everything feels harder when you’re exhausted.
Lack of personal space – Constant demands can feel suffocating.
Behavioral struggles – Defiance and whining wear down patience.
Unresolved personal triggers – Your child’s emotions may mirror wounds from your own past.
The Gottman Connection: Parenting Is a Relationship
You may have heard of the Gottman Method in the context of couples therapy, but its principles apply to all relationships—including parenting. Gottman’s research on emotional attunement, repair, and responding to bids for connection helps strengthen bonds, whether with a partner or a child.
Kids make bids for connection just like adults. A child’s “Watch this!” or “Guess what happened today?” is a bid. But so are whining, interrupting, or testing limits. When we’re exhausted, it’s easy to turn away—ignoring, snapping, or dismissing their needs.
Just like in any relationship, small efforts to turn toward matter. Eye contact, a simple “I hear you,” or a hug can reinforce connection. And when you inevitably turn away, repair is always possible.
What If I Just Don’t Want to Engage?
Some days, emotional attunement feels impossible. Instead of forcing connection, try small, low-effort gestures:
Sit next to them during a movie.
Offer a quick hug or pat on the back.
Use a neutral response instead of frustration (“I hear you” instead of “Stop whining”).
Play Therapy: Reconnecting Without Words
Dr. Gary Landreth, a leader in child-centered play therapy, emphasizes that children communicate through play, not words. Engaging in their world—without controlling or correcting—can rebuild connection.
Simple ways to use play:
Let them lead the game.
Join in a silly moment, even briefly.
Use reflective statements (“That’s a tall tower!”) to show you’re present.
Even five minutes of undistracted play can help repair distance.
How to Reconnect When You Feel Disconnected
Accept that this is normal. Every parent needs space sometimes.
Take a break without guilt. Even a short reset (a walk, deep breaths) can help.
Check your own needs. Sleep, food, and self-care affect your patience.
Turn toward small bids for connection. Even a nod or eye contact helps.
Lean into play. It’s an easy way to rebuild attachment without deep conversation.
Seek support. If disconnection lasts, talk to a friend, therapist, or parenting group.
The Takeaway
Parenting isn’t about constant connection—it’s about repair. Disconnection is normal. What matters is showing up again, even in small ways.
So if you’re struggling to feel close to your child, remember: It’s okay. It’s temporary. It doesn’t define your love.
Your bond isn’t built on perfect moments—it’s built on the moments you choose to come back.